Thursday, August 30, 2012

Sunday

We have a tradition in my family to do breakfast in bed for birthdays. I carried that tradition with me into my marriage and I got up early to make Jason breakfast in bed. I set my alarm but there was certainly no need for that. I couldn't sleep. I watched the clock turn from 3 am to 4 am to 5 and so on until I finally just got myself out of bed around 6:30. As exciting as making a big breakfast may sound, that's not what was keeping me awake. I was supposed to become a mother today. A storm of emotions hit my insides the first time I got up to go to the bathroom a little before 3 am. This is what I had always dreamed of and of course I was beyond happy, but that was not my only emotion. I would feel a twist in my heart every time I thought of what Bailey would have to do today. Was the happiest day of our lives going to be her hardest? We have grown to love her more than I can express and it killed me to think about the emotions she was going to have to face. But she is stronger than I am and she saw the eternal picture better than any of us. I was talking to her on the phone a few nights before and she said something incredible. She was talking about how grateful she was for this whole experience and she said, "I love Jade so much for who she has helped me become. I mean, I am a whale with this giant belly, I have stretchmarks on my boobs and my butt, yet I have never felt more beautiful. She has helped me become someone that I want to be for the rest of my life." I was amazed as I listened to her perspective and the things she was taking from this experience. Bailey is 19 years old but her maturity and understanding blew me away. She is my hero.

Bailey was induced at 2pm on Sunday, June 24th. Since it was going to take awhile until she would actually be ready to deliver we were instructed to just wait at home and they would call when it was time for us to head over to the hospital. Just waiting at home is way harder than it sounds! What was Bailey feeling now that it was finally here? Was she having second thoughts? Were we really about to become parents? Every few hours we would receive a text from Bailey or her mom, Michelle, with an update. Not much was happening and we continued to wait. We watched White Collar on Netflix to kill the time but hit our last episode by 8:00pm. Still nothing. Neither of us had seen Meet Joe Black and we decided to watch it, though it was a three hour movie and we didn't think we'd finish it. We finished it and still nothing. At 11:15pm I got a text from Michelle saying that Bailey was dilated to a 6 and the nurse would be back to check her again in an hour. Thirty minutes later she texted again saying Bailey was now at an 8 and to hurry to the hospital. We made it to the room around 12:20am. Bailey's dad, two younger sisters and younger brother came in a few minutes after us. She was progressing super fast at this point and the nurse started prepping Bailey to deliver.

I felt so different standing there. Although we had gotten to know and love everyone there, in that moment I felt like a stranger watching this family come together to witness their daughter and sister give life to a perfect little girl. I felt unworthy to be involved in such a sacred experience, yet this perfect little girl was going to be our daughter. Bailey had included us since she first met us five months before and I was so touched and grateful that she had invited us to watch the birth of our daughter. She knew that Jade was ours, that she was the vessel that got to bring her to us, and she knew how important it was for us to be there. She made sure that I could see everything and when it came time for her to push she asked me to be at one of her legs and her mom at the other. That made me feel so happy.

It was probably 1:05 in the morning when Bailey's doctor came in, snapped on some gloves, sat down and told her to push. The next three minutes were the most pure, hallowed, and life-changing three minutes of my life. First her head, then her tiny little body came into this world and the room broke out in emotion. They placed her onto Bailey and Bailey sobbed. That was when I lost all control of my polite, quiet, little tears and I bawled. Bailey's little sisters were also bawling and Michelle buried her head in her husband's chest and cried. My heart broke. What were we doing to this family? How could we take this baby away from such incredible people who obviously love her? Then as everyone passed her around and cried as they looked into her big, wide eyes I made my way back over to Bailey. "I feel so much peace!" she told me after we hugged. "I didn't know how I would feel but I really just feel peaceful. I just know this is so right." I cried again, of course, seeing her strength and hearing her conviction. I realized that  I was misinterpreting the emotions in the room. We weren't taking a baby from anyone. Bailey was placing her baby into our care and giving us a daughter because she knew it was right for her baby and loved her enough to put her first. Her family loved her and stood behind her in her decision, also knowing it was the best thing for Jade. We were going to be the recipients of the most selfless, charitable, and Christ-like gift ever given. I held Jade in my arms for the first time and tried to understand the sensation. I wish there were words, or at least that I was better with them, to explain what I felt. She was beautiful, but she was a little stranger to me and I couldn't believe that I was going to be her mom.


Jason and I left the hospital a couple hours later and walked to our car in silence. We were both terrified to become parents and if I am being honest we both felt a little worried because we didn't feel like parents right away. I realized later that it's because we weren't parents right away. Jade was Bailey's baby and that time she spent with her in the hospital was important and special for both of them. She became ours when we took her home from the hospital the following day after a tearful goodbye to our sweet Bailey. I felt it settle in as I sat in the back with Jade and held her little hand with my finger the whole drive home. It was amazing what happened to me in those thirty minutes. It honestly felt like a transformation from a disney movie, like stars and sparkles should have swirled around me as I turned into a mother on the drive to our house.

 
I didn't sleep much that night. I got up to feed her every few hours and when I was able to fall asleep I dreamt about feeding her. I didn't mind one bit. I already loved being a mom!

The next day we got a call from our caseworker. There was a snag in the paperwork and our background checks hadn't come through. I asked what that meant and almost dropped the phone when I heard her response.

"That means that right now you are ineligible to adopt this baby."

15 comments:

  1. oh thats just wrong! Nitta don't leave us hanging please!

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  2. Good thing I know she is still yours or I might've just had a heart attack! :)

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  3. Oh No..... PLease don't leave us hanging like that.

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  5. I'm guessing Leslie knows you?? I hope so, and I hope she's right!! Tell us more!

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  6. Oh that is just mean! ;-) You love leaving us hanging...and I love anticipating when the next post comes! After meeting you in April in St George, I can fully understand how you were welcomed as part of their family. You made me feel like I had known you for years in just that 30 or so minutes I got to talk to you and meet your family AND hear about the incredible news of two babies!

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  7. I'm glad there are comments to tell me it worked! I hope you finish the story soon! We were recently scammed by a woman pretending to be a birth mom and I really need to hear a successful adoption story...

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  8. You always make me cry when I read your story! But I love it and I'm soooo very happy for you!!! Can't wait to read what happened next :)

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  9. What an incredibly, unselfish, mature young woman this Bailey is. I hope she goes on to have the most amazing, productive, fulfilling life possible. I do not think I would have had her courage or wisdom at that age. I am not sure I have it now. May God continue to bless her.

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  10. She is beautiful!! And I can't stop crying! Such an amazing story! And I am so glad that you post pictures of her on twitter, so I know you still have her. Thank you for sharing your story with all of us!

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  11. I love reading your story Sarah! I know how happy you and Jason are with how your lives have been turned upside down and the blessings that Heavenly Father has blessed you with. I hope we get to meet your two adorable girls someday soon.

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  12. Now that's just downright mean. Hurry with the next post! I love the way you describe Bailee's conviction; she sounds like an amazing young woman. And Jade is SO BEAUTIFUL!!! Congrats.

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  13. Annnnnd here come more tears!!!

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  14. I just bawled. This is amazing Sara!

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  15. Thanks for sharing your story Sarah. Moses told me about your post and had me read it. It brings back so many floods of emotions of when we had our same experience. It was so amazing to be there for the birth, and so heart wrenching to watch her and her family on the day I took her home from the hospital. This amazing young woman had done such an unselfish act of love for her daughter, one that I am eternally grateful for. She was able to do something that I do not think I could ever be strong enough to do myself. But so grateful that she loved her so much, and allowed Moses and I to make her daughter our daughter. Thanks for the reminder of such a sacred experience!

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