Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Last Day

I painfully maneuvered myself out of bed for the fourth or fifth time this morning and shuffled to the bathroom. The clock had a 3, a 4, and a 9 on it but I can't remember the order. I rolled back in bed and felt shooting pains in about seven different areas of my body. One more night of this. That thought spun my head into a billion others and I lied there wide awake. It was dark out and the only sound was the soft buzz of our baby monitor. Ruby started to move and I relished in the feeling. Tomorrow I would no longer feel that and she will be in my arms. I can say that so easily but it is hard for me to wrap my head around. It is so strange to be having a baby when I already have a new baby in the next room, with whom I happened to be very much in love. How can I possibly love anything else as much as I love her? Does every mom feel this way before their second child comes? I know I will love her every bit as much, it's just difficult to comprehend until she arrives. Don't get my neurotic emotions wrong, I wouldn't change our situation for the anything.
I heard Jade take a deep breath through the monitor and let out a sweet sigh and I smiled thinking about her. The strangest emotion came over me and I had to hold her. I tried to fight the urge away knowing it was silly to risk waking her, but it grew stronger and stronger. This was my last day of just us and I wanted her in my arms in that moment more than anything in the world. I slid out of bed and clinched my teeth in response to the pain of being 9 months pregnant as I walked to her room. I scooped her up and waddled to the little, broken recliner occupying our loft where I watched her sleep for I don't know how long. She is perfect and she has changed me.

I held her until the sun came up and her eyes opened. She smiled at me so big until her toothless gums shined and I started to cry. I sobbed as I told her how much I love her and what a gift she is to us and I couldn't stop. I cried because of how much I fear I'll miss being so preoccupied with balancing two babies, because I'm scared and happy and excited and grateful. Wow, am I pregnant or what? Soon enough Jade was crying with me, but it wasn't as much an empathetic cry as it was a hungry cry. So I wiped my eyes and we started our day.

It's weird that this is our last day with just Jade. Tomorrow everything changes. This may be more for me than anyone else, but before I forget I wanted to record a few things about our first little miracle.

Jade came into this world with huge, inquisitive eyes that took in everything around her. That hasn't changed a bit. She is never in her own little world, she watches what everyone is doing and shows her curiosity through her eyebrows. People stop in restaurants and stores to comment on her expressive eyebrows and darling face. One person said it perfectly when she said that she looks like an emoticon because she is so expressive. She is the most easy going baby in the world and never gives us a hard time for no reason. She has responded super well to a schedule and started sleeping through the night at six weeks and has never woken up in the night since then. She held on to her smiles until she was sure of us then started handing them out openly around eight weeks. She laughed for the first time two weeks ago and I have never been so addicted to a sound. I will spend a half hour blowing on her tummy, making funny sounds, doing faces no one else should ever see, or dancing like a maniac just to get a two second giggle out of her. Waste of my time? Not a split second of it.

Now it's late Wednesday night and I am packed and ready for tomorrow. Whether I'm calm or I'm freaking out tomorrow is still going to happen so I've decided to choose calm. Pray that I sleep tonight. It's my last night being pregnant. Tomorrow Ruby is born.