In Just One Year

It's been over two years since I blogged. I think it's time I start again. I used to blog, and if you are a reader that is returning then I thank you. I'm sad I didn't start sooner, but how about at least a quick recap, eh? And for those just joining me for the first time, I'm glad you came. I apologize in advance for too many punctuations in all the wrong spots. 

Being a contestant on "The Biggest Loser" was quite life-changing. It was harder than I ever imagined and in ways that I had never imagined, but all in all I am so grateful for the experience. I lost 106 pounds and experienced so much self-discovery. It was no secret that my motivation to lose weight was to be healthy enough to have a baby, and Jason and I had continued our trying since I had come home from filming in January 2011 with no result. So in August I met with my first real fertility doctor, who I was not impressed with, but fell in love with the second one I met with, Dr. Eva Littman from Red Rock Fertility Center. She was amazing and gave me so much hope. Because my last pregnancy was ectopic and resulted in the removal of one of my fallopian tubes, I learned that if I were to get pregnant on my own, well it would be a miracle, but if I did then there is a 75% chance that it would be ectopic again. Not what I wanted. We laid out al of our options and with the help of this incredible doctor we decided to start our first cycle of in-vetro fertilization, or IVF.

I was so hopeful and excited! The process was long and invasive and at first I was scared of the shots, but those became cake the whole experience was not nearly as bad as I had heard. I spent a couple months injecting hormones, taking pills, getting blood drawn, scheduling, etc. I'll never forget the moment I heard that it didn't work. It felt like my heart stopped and I wanted to throw up. Dr. Littman was stumped as to why it didn't work but was ready to start again. We had 5 successful embryos and put in two, which meant that we still had three frozen. I didn't want to start again. It was so trying physically and more so emotionally but although I didn't want to go through it again, I knew I could. So we started over, first with birth control to regulate me, then pills, three shots a day, creams, blood work, the whole bit. This time my chances were way better because we didn't have to worry about the egg retrieval, which meant I could take an extra hormone that would make my lining more lush and inviting for these little embryos. My hope of having a child on my own significantly plummeted when I got the call that it didn't work again. There was no explanation why, it just didn't. We had one more frozen egg and Dr. Littman said we could put it in if I was ready. That was just it, it's not that I wasn't willing to try again but I wasn't ready right then. My body needed some time to recover and my heart needed to heal. I hadn't been able to exercise for four months and with that and the hormones and stress from IVF I had already put on 30 pounds since my finale. I knew that this time I really couldn't do it again and chose to take a break.

Jason and I started talking about adoption. To be totally honest I was upset that adoption was going to be our only option. I always wanted to adopt but I was sad that we would never get to see what we would create. We signed up for an adoption orientation and the next available was a few months away, which was fine because I wanted to give myself a break from the stress of trying to become a parent anyway. I never got that break. In December I got a phone call that changed my mind and my heart. More on that next time.