Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Confession

Most of my posts are about my experiences with my girls. I like that because they are the most wonderful thing to focus on and to be completely honest, if we are focusing on them then we are not focusing on me. As much as I hate it today's post has to be different.

I remember the first time I learned that a good amount of Biggest Losers gain a lot of their weight back.

"WHAT?? How can that be? How can anyone get fit like they've always wanted and then go back? And how dare they? Getting on the Biggest Loser is the chance of a lifetime and they are just slapping everyone in the face who doesn't get that chance but wants it. If I ever got the chance to go on that show and change my life I would NEVER gain one pound back!"

Little did I know. The Biggest Loser has been a huge blessing to me and I will forever be grateful for the experience but it didn't fix me. I still have a long way to go, as most of us do. Never again will I judge someone for succeeding and then falling down. How dare I???

September 4th, 2011 was my last day to exercise before I was put on total restriction for my first IVF procedure. When that failed we started again right away so I was still unable to exercise. When that failed I didn't WANT to exercise! It had been three months and it was hard to start again. But I knew I had to and finally went to a class, which felt amazing! I was ready to get back in the game only to find out I was pregnant shortly there after. I was considered to have a high risk pregnancy, which meant no exercise for the next nine months. Nine months later I had a c-section, and four months later I am finally sitting down to write out a plan. So what am I saying? I am saying that I, a Biggest Loser of all people, have not exercised in over a year and have gained 55 lbs. through it all. And now that I have given my very legitimate excuses for not exercising and for my weight gain let me be truthful with you and more importantly with myself. Being ban from exercise while I waited to see if the IVF would work didn't make me eat french fries and ice cream. Being pregnant didn't force me to eat too many cookies when I felt overwhelmed and terrified about being a new mom with another baby on the way. Just having a baby didn't cause me to double the batch of Christmas treats I baked for friends only to ensure I'd have enough eat myself numb during the hard transition of my new life. You see my circumstances didn't cause my actions, I did. I know my loved ones intentions were good as they excused my weight gain for me with a thoughtful, "don't worry, you are pregnant!" or, "stop it, you just had a baby!" or, "give yourself a break! You have your hands full with two infants!" but the truth is I allowed myself to use those excuses to eat all the wrong things and THAT is why I gained as much weight as I did, no matter how you slice it.

I am so sorry for letting down those who looked to me as an example and inspiration. That was a heavy responsibility and I didn't know how to handle it. I obviously didn't handle it well and I am ashamed. I know I have been blessed with great opportunities and with that comes the responsibility to help and inspire others. I haven't been perfect at this, in fact far from it, but I would like to ask for another chance.

It's hard enough to lose a huge amount of weight once and to do it twice feels insanely daunting. But I know where I want to be and I am not there. I came so close and I let it slip away because I was scared. There are so many underlying issues that have brought me to this point and I think it's time to face them for real this time. I don't know what's wrong with me and I believe a lot of us that struggle with weight feel the same. Maybe we can do this together? I am talking to you, the person reading this that knows exactly what I am saying. There needs to be accountability and for me it starts here, confessing that I screwed up and I need support as I try once again to take on the greatest demon in my life.

I am aware that all odds are against me. I have a muscle condition which causes me to have an extremely low muscle mass and in turn a slow engine. My body is resistant to muscle build and this will take a looooong time. I have two infants! They are on different schedules, I don't get much sleep, I'm exhausted, I have no idea when I will exercise, yaddiyaddiyadda!! Sure I have a laundry list of excuses but I have to remind myself that every excuse is a choice to fail.

EVERY EXCUSE IS A CHOICE TO FAIL!!!

Is this going to be hard? YES! Can I do it? YES! Can you do hard things? YES!!! The only thing stopping you is YOU!

Let's do this.

(And by 'this' I mean any goal you are ready to take on, weight related or not.)




43 comments:

  1. I loved you on the show and I've been so excited to see you grow intro motherhood! I have had 2 kids its always tough but doable to lose the weight :) i'm a week away from having baby #3 so very soon I'll be back on the baby weight less wagon yet again, I'd love to have a support system!

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  2. Sarah I think you are so inspiring! Thank you for sharing your journey with us. I put on about 20 lbs during infertility treatments and have my own list of why it's justified and why it's ok not to lose it. I think it's great inspiration to hear someone else tell their story and so motivating! You can do this!!!! :)

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  3. WOW...When you said "I'm talking to "you", I was like YIKERS! she is...this girl (woman) who needs some accountability in her life...

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  4. the Girl being me

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  5. Sarah, you were one of my favorite people on the show because you were always honest and true to yourself. You were never fake! I admire & respect you. If anyone can lose the weight and get back into the shape you want to be in, it's you!!! You are blessed in so many ways. You are strong, beautiful and have a lot of people who will support you through this. Take it one day and one step at a time! You got this, girl!!!

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  6. Thank you for putting yourself out there- a someone who for thru weight loss, plateaus, and gets frustrated only to gain it back- I can completely relate. I need the accountability a well and I know that fixing this problem has to start on th inside.I am right there with you and will Sen up a prayer for us both!

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  7. So many of us know EXACTLY how you feel, girlfriend! You are a REAL person, with real challenges, as we all are, and you're not going to be perfect. You are a role model to many of us out here, regardless of the number on your scale. Being a mom of 2 babies is so rewarding, but so hard sometimes. Just remember who you are and what this life is all about!

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  8. I can totally relate to you:) I lost 115 pounds when I was 20 but after marriage, infertility treatments, and now 2 babies I have gained about 40 pounds and am working hard to get it off. I try to remind myself that I am 70 pounds lighter then I once was and remember that my boys are worth every pound but now that weight is coming off! Good luck, you can do this! I am also lds like you too:) Thanks for being an inspiration to me:)

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  9. You are an inspiration, not because of how many pounds you lost, but because of your courage, dedication, honesty, and humanness. Not because you are some crazy workout/diet machine, but because you are a real person with real issues that is trying her best. THAT is why I can relate to you and why you inspire me!

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  10. I feel for you. I have been in a similar place and I think it's awesome that you already want to do something for yourself. Just please remember that you can not expect the pace you had on the BL (I know you know that :) ) You have babies, husband, home, family, friends..... Also, what I have learned is that life gets in the way, so we sometimes have to allow that to happen - take a bit of time to get a breather and then attack. The situation is never going to be perfect, so we make the best of what we have - what we can, when we can.
    It took me a LONG time to learn that (I tend to be too hard on myself and all-or-nothing is a killer).

    Take care - and don't be too hard on yourself. You are still awesome. You are still a role model! One step at a time - or half a step if that's what it takes!!

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  11. I needed this post today! I use the excuse that I am too tired way too often. Those precious babies take a lot of work, but are so worth it!

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  12. Ok we got this!!! I lost a lot of weight on my own and than lost my mom and life got in the way. I gained over half of it back. Reading this was like YUP!!! That's me!
    You can do it :) We can do it!

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  13. Sarah, I love your honesty. I was never too overweight, but after having my first two children, I was about 40 pounds overweight. I started exercising, running, and watching my diet and I was able to lose it all (and then some)! It felt great, and I vowed never to let myself get overweight again!! Then I got preggo... I made the same "excuses" and ate waaaaay too many cookies (like...every day) so after giving birth, I looked in the mirror and cried. But, the good news is that I didn't give up hope! I KNEW that I had lost the weight in the past and therefore I could EASILY do it again!!! So I started, slowly but surely, getting back in my healthy lifestyle. I'm nearly 9 months post-partum and still have 10 pounds to go, but since I'm breastfeeding I still use the "excuse" of over-eating from time to time. I am confident that I will lose the last 10 and maintain my healthy lifestyle, just as you should be. It just takes time, but the ONLY thing that matters is having a belief that you can do it. Because you can! You already know it. Because you already did it. One thing that really helps me is having a swing. I put the baby in it when I hop on the treadmill. :) Also, I never had 2 infants at once, but my 1st two were 15 monhs apart. The 1st couple of years were brutal!!! but once they got to be about 3 &4, my life became SO much easier - they play together all the time & are best buddies. Also, we got the Chariot CX2 double stroller and I was able to jog (or walk) with them in the summer. Sometimes they napped in it, sometimes not...but it was a great way to keep them safe while I was exercising, & very comfy too! It also converts into a bike trailer. Seriously awesome!!

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  14. Oh Sarah! Don't be too hard on yourself! I think any of us who have tried out for Biggest Loser before know how difficult weight issues are and I, for one, don't hold you all to a higher standard. Life is hard. You have a lot on your plate right now. And....you can totally do this.

    Thanks for being willing to be so vulnerable and honest. Sharing this part of your story will be so much more helpful to me personally than if you had lost the weight and kept it off and didn't have to struggle back. I, myself, lost almost 100 pounds about 3 years ago. Circumstances in my life sidelined my progress and I sit here today 88 pounds heavier (and I still had 100 more to lose even at my lowest). It is discouraging. It's hard to not focus on this failure, but focusing on it alone won't help me get back into the swing of things. Knowing someone I admire as much as I admire you (my favorite Biggest Loser EVER)is on a similar path gives me a lot of hope. Thank you for that.

    And...your smiley babies are adorable.

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  15. Thank you! You are such an inspiration! I have a three year old and two year old twins and have used plenty of excuses as to why I can't lose weight. Thank you for your strength! I need it!

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  16. I don't think you failed anyone. To be honest a lot of people gain that much weight during pregnancy. Just do your best each day to be better. I just had a baby as well and have yet to work out. It is so hard with 5 small children. I agree though no excuses!

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  17. There are some vices that people battle their entire lives, especially if they've been addicted to them for a period. Sometimes, it is not a demon that can be killed off forever by overcoming it once. Sometimes, the demon has periods of slumber but it is dangerous to assume that it is gone. I'm speaking from my own experience. I thought that I'd never have to face a certain vice again once I had overcome it and felt good about myself for my accomplishment (in my mid-twenties)... yet a few years later, I found myself struggling the same old struggle because I let my guard down. Don't feel guilty for your struggles, Sarah. It's important for everyone, especially those who look up to you, to know the truth about how difficult it is to make lasting changes in life, and your ups AND your downs are an honest example of that. Those who know you personally (and those who may not) love you SO MUCH and we believe in you. I know that you can overcome this one day at a time. Remember: "Through small and simple things are great things come to pass." <3

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  18. I don't think you failed anyone. To be honest a lot of people gain that much weight during pregnancy. Just do your best each day to be better. I just had a baby as well and have yet to work out. It is so hard with 5 small children. I agree though no excuses!

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  19. Thank you for being honest! I was that girl last summer. My excuses were different from yours, but they were still excuses! I couldn't go on one more day being so miserable and I was ready to change, and I did. I've lost almost 40 lbs., and it's still a daily struggle to eat right and exercise. I still have some left to lose, but I know I'll get there, and you will too!

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  20. I loved you then, and I love you now, maybe even more now because of your honesty. We are all in this together. You have beautiful girls and a loving husband...not to mention a Lord and Savior that love you more than any earthly thing, and YOU CAN DO THIS...you did it once, you CAN do it again. Don't stress over it, be positive and let's do this together...you are so special to so many...sending prayers and blessings your way!

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  21. Sarah,
    I remember loving you from the show but then when I met you in person at fitness ridge last year I fell in love with you all over again. You are so honest and that honesty is what inspires people. You have a nation of support around you cheering you on, I have cried hearing about the adoption and then cried hearing you were expecting. You constantly inspire me without even trying. Through your struggles comes a strength that I cannot but into words except to say it is God sent.I am with you honey I have struggled with my weight and I think I am finally on the correct path. Keep your head up you will get there.

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  22. Sarah you still look amazing and my motto is " I can do all things through Christ Jesus" You are a God fearing woman and have strong faith!!! You rock, Sarah!!!!

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  23. You have not failed, you did make choices, but they are not failures. They are choices in the past, feeling guilty about them won't change them or you. It was what you needed at that moment, even if it wasn't the healthiest choice for you. You have a lot on your plate as so many do. Today you start new, as a mother of two wonderful girls. You can do this and you will, one step at a time as we all do. I too gained weight back after deeming I never would. I didn't have a new baby, I went to nursing school and that was my excuse for too long, now I have been tracking and doing Jillian's workout for 7 weeks straight and I am doing better, I haven't lost a lot of weight, but I know I am making the right choices for me. Love you for you, write down what is going on, even if for your eyes only, just to find out what is holding you back from your ultimate healthy goal, it will help. That is how I got to my goal the first time. I had to write in a journal and give myself permission, telling myself that I am good enough and I am worth it. You are worth it, you are an amazing person and I truly love to read your blogs and see the pictures of your two beautiful daughters, God bless you all, Starla

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  24. I too lost 50 pounds during BL Season 11. I have put 20 pounds back on and feel terrible. Lots of excuses that I beat myself up for every day. I have used lots of excuses: single adoptive mother yayayayaya......but that's not really working. Let's get busy and get the weight back off. Let's get attached to that feeling of feeling and looking great!

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  25. I think you will lose it again. You now have the tools. I know it is hard with two small infants under tow. Maybe you can get one of those double strollers and stroll around the block when the weather permits. I would say that have two beautiful children is worth it!

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  26. Go You!! You are awesome Sarah! And I will take those babies anytime!! Thanks for being my inspiration, I needed that today! No excuses!

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  27. Thanks for sharing. Weight is just a number. It doesn't really matter how much you weigh or how much you want to lose. Plus, you have ONLY gained 55 lbs. You can lose it again if you want to, but in the meantime while you are figuring out life again with two beautiful babies, know you are awesome and every step you take forward to your goals is a HUGE accomplishment. My favorite exercise (doesn't matter it isn't a huge calorie burner) is just going on a walk. It adds up over time. I have known you for a long time. You can always achieve your goals and you always bring people higher with you. Thanks for all the inspiration. Maybe it will give me the jump start I need to get back into a better exercise routine.

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  28. Sarah, First off thank you for being so honest and open it takes a good dose of humility to lay your-self open like that. Second off I thought I would Share a little bit of my recent insight in hopes that it helps you as you journey yet again. As I recently found myself yet again embarking on a weight loss journey I found myself plagued with thoughts of Why am I doing this again and I can’t do this I’ve just failed be for and then put on all the weight plus some. Then one day I was thinking in a negative manner about all the weight I’ve loss and regained and how if I had just stuck with it and not got over whelmed I would be X weight now, then it came to me (an Ah, Ha moment as Oprah would say) What if I had never tried? Where would I be now? I would not just be where I am but probably 200+ pounds heavier. This made me realize that every time I lost weight, whether it was two pounds or 20, that attempt was worth it because it kept me from getting heavier and unhealthier. No journey is ever wasted, each step we take to improve our minds, our body’s or our health leads us forward even if we then take 10 steps back we are further forward than we would have been if we had not ever tried.
    I understand the pressure you must feel to be an example after being been on the Biggest Looser and I was inspired by your journey there, but I am also inspired by your journey to become a mother ( I too struggle with infertility) and to keep trying to be the best person you can be so that you can be there for your two beautiful girls. In conclusion, I know this is long :) , I say embrace the journey and I am happy for you and grateful for your example and remember No Journey is ever wasted. All my love - Jennette

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  29. You CAN do this! No point in dwelling on the past, lets look to the future. I know where you are coming from, being healthy and staying that way is a daily struggle. Some of us (myself included), don't get there and stay there, but the good news is we can learn from our mistakes and move forward.

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  30. I love you Sarah! I am so thrilled with your candor and honesty in this. You can do hard things! We rooted for you then and we will root for you NOW!

    I'm in this journey right a long side you! I love you!
    Megs

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  31. Sarra thank you for sharring your story with everyone especially me. I don't if you remember me, but I had the great chance to work out with you, your mom, & several others from biggest loser in Logan,Ut.
    At that time I had lost 90lbs., I went on to loose a total of 125lbs. On Thanksgiving day 2011 several things happened, needles to say that was also the last day I too stepped into the gym. My story run in some ways very similar to yours, but mine with depression, & as you said mote excuses that I have excepted. I have allowed myself to put every lbs back on. I am at my ropes end and ready to begin again. My Wife & I have been talking about getting back to the gym.
    Readying your story has giving me a new look on myself. Lets do this together.
    Good luck to you, my wife, and myself. Lets help each other, post our journey for each other.

    Best of luck to us all. Love you and the example you are for us all.
    Todd J. Allen

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  32. Oh, dear Sarah, I know just what you are saying!! Thank you for your honesty and bravery. You are amazing!

    A few years ago I thought I'd finally "figured it all out" and was on my way to permanent weight loss. I was eating healthy and exercising, and even ran my first ever 5K (The Biggest Loser 5K in St. George where I got to meet you!). I lost 40 pounds and was feeling great. I still had at least 50 or so to lose, but I thought it had finally clicked and that I was going to do it. My motivation was similar to yours- I wanted to have a baby. I have four beautiful children, but felt that there was one more who needed to join our family. I'd had 3 miscarriages in the past few years, and I just knew if I could get my body healthier I could get my last baby here. So, when I found out I was expecting again I was cautiously optimistic. I'd been taking extra folic acid and super-pregnancy vitamins for months in preparation for being pregnant, and as soon as I found out I was expecting, my doctor had me start giving myself shots of heporin in my stomach twice a day to hopefully stop the blood clots he suspected were causing me to miscarry. I was willing to do ANYTHING for this baby. And.... I miscarried again. I was crushed. I knew this was the last time I could try. My heart had been broken four times in a row, and I couldn't take anymore. Plus, I was closing in on 40 years old and knew it was time to be done. I prayed about it, knew it was right, and even felt peace about it, but my heart was still broken. So, I ate. I kept exercising, but it didn't compensate for the cookies and ice cream that seemed to dull my pain, and within a year I'd gained every pound back that I'd lost. It's so easy to do, and so, so frustrating!!

    I think what we may have the most in common is our motivation to get the weight off initially-- to have a baby. A righteous desire, and fantastic motivation! But once that motivation was removed, what then? I guess I really need to find the motivation to lose weight for me, and so that I can be the best "me" possible. I also want to be healthy for my kids, and to be a good example to them. But maybe I also need to love and accept myself, and stop fighting my body like it's the enemy!

    I am doing better, and I've lost 10 pounds in the last few months, but I still don't have it "figured out". I'm just going to keep on going, fighting the daily battle of my addiction to sweets. I'm also going to try to love and forgive myself more, and focus on who I really am- a daughter of God who is of infinite worth, no matter what my size or shape. :)

    Please know that you certainly did not let me down!! You are an amazing inspiration! You are doing what matters the very most- taking care of two precious children. YOU are a daughter of God who is of infinite worth!! (I know you already know that, but sometimes we all need a reminder!)

    Much love to you and your precious family,
    LeAnn Roberts

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  35. You didn't fail me. You are showing me that even those I look up to and admire so much stumble, fall, and pick themselves up again. The next time I stumble and fall, as we all do, I will remember how brave you are now and will brush myself off and try again. You can do this!

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  36. Sarah, I love you for your honesty, your humanity, your humility, AND your human frailty. We all stumble. I stumble and fall so often that I keep a water bottle and snacks *on* the floor to cut down on travel time.

    You know I lost a lot of weight (160#) and a couple of times I have had some minor back peddling, as high as 25# at one point, which was not so "minor!" I did not have a good excuse either, like your two precious babies. I grew complacent and lazy, letting a few extra portions slip in and a few missed work-outs slip out. Some people told me that "weight was just a number" or that I "looked fine the way I was." *I* knew I did not "look fine." I knew that I was not taking proper care of the body that Heavenly Father had given me. I knew I was not keeping the promise I had made to myself when my mother was diagnosed with terminal leukemia. I told myself that day, right then and there, that not everyone has a choice in whether they live or die. I had a choice and I was choosing LIFE.

    Sarah, you have never, ever "letting me or anyone else down." You ARE "letting yourself down." (Uh oh, here comes the hate mail to MY in-box! I was straight-talking with with that sweet Sarah Nitta.) Every day that you carry extra life-sucking pounds on your body, you are choosing to give up energy and vitality that could be yours. Your bones and joints are feeling the stress. Look at me... at age 52, I have spondylosis of the spine, a condition that should not be manifest until after age 60. However, I burdened my joints with excess weight for too many years. Please do not let this happen to you.

    Sarah, you are so beautiful. You were beautiful before The Biggest Loser. You would be beautiful if you weighed 400#. It is a simple fact, the "Hill girls" are undeniably beautiful! You are also beautiful inside. You are sweet, kind, gracious, grateful, humble, intelligent, witty, vivacious, and a beloved daughter of our Father in Heaven.

    We are all on the journey. We all stumble. The difference is in the "getting back up." LOVE YOU!

    ~Sunshine

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  37. As anyone who's gone up and down in weight knows, it's never a one time thing. That took a long time for me to learn. But I'm grateful that weight (and how much I hate excess weight) reminds me to CONSISTENTLY try to make healthy choices. It's every meal and every day I try to work out vs being lazy, but hopefully an entire lifetime of this will even out the balance sheet. It's hard to be motivated right now in between pregnancies, since with the next baby I'll just go up again, but that's the point. I'm not just exercising to lose weight in one shot. I'm exercising (and eating right) to BE healthy. Don't let the slumps discourage you (which just cause deeper slumps). Keep trying. You're wonderful! Thank you for being so honest and motivating me to keep trying too.

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